So. This is what it feels like. I'd almost forgotten. But you take it all away. Make me feel so put down. Lost. I want to get away. And I will. I will always get what I want. No matter how hard or how impossible it looks. I want to be alone. Left alone to see what I want, to know what I want. Your words hurt. You hurt me more. Never thought I'd feel like this again. I thought you were my Saviour. But you aren't. You aren't.

I'm tired of staring at the sun
Can't stand the way you burn my eyes so I can't see
Stealing every breath I breathe
You push me into overdrive
And I don't need this kind of light coz now I'm done
You took everything while I was staring at the sun

Looking back I realize it was too sudden. Too fast. Too much, too soon. I'm going away. And it'll turn out to be good. I wont return and it'll be good. If I stay, a lot will be lost. I myself will be lost. I dont know where or how I'm going to go, just that I'm going to be far away from you. You lied, you cheated and put the blame on me. Never mind. I'll get through this. without your help. I dont need you anymore. Don't need anything about you.

Its ended. Too soon perhaps. Or so it seems to me. I don't want to to hold on any longer. It seems like such a waste. We're all going to go to different places, lead different lives, and live our separate dreams. And maybe some day, we'll meet each other...meet and talk and laugh about every thing that was, and everything that could have been... Letting go won't seem so bad then, will it? I can imagine the scene - A coffee shop. Iced Tea and Cold Coffee and Coke (never Papsi, I know) and Chocolate Dough nuts and Us. Laughter. Grinning. And after a while, red eyes and wet cheeks. And then Laughing all over again. Some silence, maybe. And Thinking. I really hope we have a day like this. An entire day dedicated to our pasts. The past that we so readily forget. Trample. Crush. Looking back isn't a bad thing. I wish everyone would see that.

We spent all our money
On stupid things
But if I look back now
I’d probably give it all away
Just for one more day
One more day with you

Its over now. I know I'll move on. Make more friends. Maybe even better friends. Things will change. Success will come. Happiness may follow. And it just saddens me more... The ones I really want to share it with...they may not be with me... People who've been there for me through all the low parts of life, may not be there to share the highs. Terrifying thought.

There'll be others in the path
Others to count on, to share life with
But you, you who matter the most
You will be lost to me
I hope to God you find what you want
I hope you have who you need
I hope I'd love you always

{at first when we start loving someone, our greatest fear is that the one we love will stop loving us. once we overcome this fear and dread, we realise that our greatest fear is that we will stop loving them.}

I was reading Shantaram. And then went out for a walk. While walking down the stairs, I saw this cobweb. I'd seen it lots of times. Noticed it. Observed it. My interest in it seems to increase every time I see it.Mainly because the spider that spun it, is dead right at the centre of the web. And then from all the overdose of reading 400 pages of Shantaram in one day, I decided to ask "Why?". Why did the spider die right there? Maybe it was trying to hold on to some part of its life. Thats how we are... We hold on to everything. Hold on to people, things, memories...even relationships... A friend of mine once said - "So many of us are holding on to relationships that'll bring about the end of us". Why can't we let go? Let go of the past and move on without regret, without looking back...

You were a dreamer. You taught me to dream. You believed in things that couldn't possibly exist. I believed in them too. You were my second mother. Twenty-two years - that was our age difference. You were my best friend. I could say things in front of you, knowing I would be told off for it, knowing you wouldn't judge me on the basis of what I said. You would have made an incredible mother. You couldn't be a mother. You were so many things that you couldn't to be. But you never fought against it. You never fought feelings. I learnt that from you.

You were a dreamer. You didn't want to die. Its not that you were afraid of death. You just didn't want to. But you did. You killed yourself. They killed you. He killed you. I haven't talked to him properly in four years. The last time I did, I almost said it to his face. I can imagine his expression. I think he loved you. He did. That is the reason I don't want him to know what I think of him now. I remember hearing about it. Hearing that they had found you dead. I was told to stay away from it all. I was made to stay away from it all. I was a kid after all. A kid who didn't understand things. But I did. I can see your side of it. Why did you do it? I've asked myself so many times. I know why you did it. That is one thing about you - You were not a fighter. It wasn't easy I bet. Knowing you, I can say it wasn't easy.

You were a dreamer. I remember walking across the dry ground with you. From where we lived - our house - to your home. Did you have a nice childhood? Yes, you did. I remember when we were sitting around the pool, and you'd told me about it. You always treated me as more than a baby. I wasn't a child to you. I was just child-like. Your home. I liked being there. Badi ma. She - your mother - always asked me to call her Badi ma. But I didn't. I always called her Aunty. That room next to the kitchen. I never told you, I loved it. I think it was Dimple Bhaiya's room. I loved it so much. It is so sad to be two minutes away from that home, and knowing that I'll never enter it. Why is it so hard for us to accept something? I haven't accepted it even now that you're gone. I know you're dead. Dead : that's the first word that comes to mind when I think of you. But I still feel you in your room. You never saw my room. You never saw our new home. There is so much you didn't see. Damn.

Would you approve of me now? Maybe not. No, you wouldn't. But you'd accept me. And love me. I wouldn't have lied to you. I really wouldn't have. I have to talk to you so badly. Tell you so many things. I'm not writing about you. I'm writing to you. I guess you already know. You've been watching my life. You've been watching over all of our lives.  I need you to save me, to defend me like you did then. I want you to come back. Isn't there any way? You'd laugh at this. You always wanted the dead to come back. I want it now. Those things I did, they were wrong. I know. I am paying for it. I wish I could get away, but I don't want to. I always think of the people I love, the people who love me back, and I know what I did was very wrong. But now... What do I do now? You never showed me the way. You just told me all the different directions I could turn in. Do that again. I promise I'll find my way. Disappointment. Somebody is disappointed with me. Very disappointed. I've let someone down. I can make up for it. But will I? I hate the way I am sometimes. The way I think, the way I go about things. But that is how I am... And no one can change me unless I want to. Why?

That picture of you, the one taken in Nepal. Two weeks before you died. You aren't smiling in it. I saw that picture four years ago. I knew it then. I knew why you walked away from us. I don't want to see that picture ever again. Its on the table in the lobby on the first floor...the table opposite to the TV. They've changed the couch. The fridge's still there. There's a smiling picture of him and you on it. It was dusty the last time I'd gone there, I'd wiped it clean. The room. Everyone's afraid of sleeping in there. I want to. But they think I'm stupid. Ma won't even enter it. Once when the house was empty - they'd all gone somewhere - I'd slept in there. I think I had the most amazing dreams then.

You shouldn't have gone Chachi. You shouldn't have. I miss you so much. But there is no crying now. Not today. I don't want to cry. You don't want me to do it either, right? All those fun times I had with you. All those things you taught. I remember all of them. All of it. I love you. In my dreams, you're still around. Stay there, always.


I'm contemplating thinking about thinking
It's overrated just get another drink and
Watch me come undone

She: (silence)
He : hello
She: ummm..hello
He : what is it?
She: you still dont want to talk?
He: no
She: why?
He: I dont feel like talking ever again.
She: okay.
*about to end the call*
He: you waited 6 days.
She: you wanted time to believe whats happening.
He: (silence)
She: (silence)
He: who said that to you?
She: almost everybody.
He: (silence)
She: what made you so angry?
He: you still dont know?
She: (silence)
He: how could you lie? how could you deny everything?
She: you knew it. you just didnt accept it.. you did exactly what i did. nobody knew. even i didnt.
He: you said horrible things.
She: when?
He: okay, you didnt. but, you did abuse. what kind of love is that?
She: its my kind of love.
He: whatever
She: (silence)
He: why?
She: I didnt want to. I was too scared. scared of everything.
He: i wouldn't have told you not to.
She: it wouldnt have made a difference.
He: did you even think of all of us once?
She: yes. i did. thought of what you all would say. but, it , made sense then. now is when nothing is making sense.
He: things will never be the same again.
She: (silence)
He: (silence)
She: i thought you'd atleast try being happy.
He: you thought i'd be happy?? what for?
She: (silence)
He: good luck. have fun, enjoy the party.
She: (silence)
He: bye-bye.
She: (silence)
*click*

---

Who do you need? who do you love.. when you come undone?